To Remember

* I know it’s been a long time since I’ve wrote, so if you’re still around you might be thinking this blog had gone defunct. I’m still here, but still working through some stuff and allowing myself some grace. I’m writing, but it’s been at a much slower pace. My words don’t always want to find the paper just yet. I still want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I happened to write a poem I thought I’d share. Every now and then I get in a poetic mood. Hopefully the new year will bring more.

You took a step back
Just perhaps too far
Maybe it was you thought
I needed the space
Or you couldn’t handle
Me in my deep grief
I was too much anymore
Sadly it’s nothing new
I’ve been alone before
I need no answers
I tried to ask for little
I may always look fine
I’m too good at saying I’m ok
I’ve done it too often
Just to make it each day
I bury troubles deep
Cry in the dark alone
While others dream and sleep
I’m weary and continue on
But still wish to hear
Just sometimes a friendly voice
Let me know someone is near
You don’t need to fix things
Just allow me to be
And perhaps to remember
I don’t always know how to say
No, I’m not ok today

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Hello Again…

I’ve been resisting writing, just a few stray sentences escaping on rare occasions, suppressing every urge as it crept up. Writing hurts, because it makes me confront truths. Truths I’d rather avoid or just keep moving past, moving so fast, the memories only faintly remain. I don’t think escapism is the right route though and truly it only lasts for so long before I cave. I’ll write and stay writing.

My words are finally beginning to creep out of me. Just in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been beginning to write again, after almost nothing for two months. Not because I have to, but because I want to, I’m going to do the over share thing and get personal a minute. If you’ve visited this blog before, you know I do personal, so here it goes…(not everything, just a bit, sooo…you can breathe and hopefully read on…)

It’s taken me a bit longer to catch my breath than usual as my already overloaded life took a plunge(A.K.A.-nosedive, plummet, dropped off the deep end, etc.) and has been changed dramatically. March brought way more than spring. It brought bittersweet. My husband died March 10th, coming after a long decline in his health. We were back on hospice briefly before it happened. It came quickly and at home, where we wanted. I’d been with him for about 24 years, so I no longer quite know my place in life.

The sweet, came ten days later, our daughter gave birth to a beautiful little boy, her firstborn and my first grandchild. My daughter had the same midwife I had when I had her, but I was able to be the one to catch him. He was welcomed into grandma’s loving hands, then handed to his mother, my daughter. He was born in our home, a planned home birth, welcomed with love and adored by both his parents.

So it is, that within our home, where we’ve lived since our daughter was three years old, the full circle of life took place in only a few brief weeks. It’s sad his grandfather never got to hold him. He loved babies and especially would’ve loved him. The timing came as I guess it was meant to, as every treasured moment I was able to hold my grandson, helped to ease my sorrow. Life goes on, and there is no more reassurance of that, than the birth of a child and the flowery emergence of spring.

I’m back to writing and I’ll see where it goes. Hopefully I’ll keep blogging too and more posts will follow. I don’t claim to know anything right now and it will take time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, realize it will really take time, and figure things out. I’ve got to get rid of the “shoulds”, there are too many of those I keep trying to hold onto, and just learn how to live in this new life I find myself in.

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Never Again

*I’m normally a non-fiction person. I’m always saying I’ve got too much real stuff that needs to get out before I can have much room for fiction. The other day seemed to be an exception to my rule though and this is one of the stories I wrote…

The snow continued to fall steadily. It had been falling for hours. It was a storm, unlike any seen in rural North Carolina for years. Living on a secondary road, she knew it would be a while before the snow plows cleared the road and more traffic made the way through, though there was never much traffic on the road anyway. Sarah knew no one would be coming to visit, even if the roads were clear. One of the downsides to being a bit anti-social and family living far away.

“Oh well”, she thought as she sipped her tea and looked out the kitchen window at the big fluffy flakes falling. No time for one of her pity parties. Soup was simmering in the crock pot for supper, her little dog was curled up on the couch napping, and she was going to tackle writing another chapter of her book. The book she might never publish, but that beckoned her to write. There were some secrets, which should never have to be kept.

Her words quickly spilled across the page and before long she realized it was afternoon. She headed to the kitchen to stir the soup and get something else to drink. She heard the dog start to bark ferociously from the other room. As she turned around to go check, she saw him. The face she would never forget. The man who had left her for dead once, but was never found. She had moved in hopes she’d never see him again.

“Sarah, I told you you’d never belong to anyone else”, said the man. Before he had the chance to say anything else, she threw the crock pot at him. He cursed as it shattered on the ground and he was splattered with hot soup. She took off running through the back door. He ran out after her, fired the gun, and kept calling her name as he ran towards her.

She ran and kept running, not daring to look behind her. She had never been this far in the woods behind her house. Suddenly she ran out of woods and was in a snowy field. She kept running. She thought she smelled wood smoke, but couldn’t tell where it was coming from. There was just bright white snow all around. She fell and tried to get up, but couldn’t. She moved her hand where the pain was coming from and felt something warm and wet. Looking down, she saw the blood pouring from her side.

The bright red blood, her blood, falling on the snow, somehow reminded her of Snow White’s lips and the bright red apple the witch gave her, putting Snow White in a deep slumber. Of all times to think of fairy tales. Her eyes felt heavy. Sleepiness getting harder to resist. Fading away in the snow, embracing the cold. She was no one’s princess and now she never would be.

Her eyes lightly opened one last time and she saw birds nearby on the ground. Her brain thought of birds…singing…and then somehow, whistling came to mind. With all the strength she could muster, she pursed her lips to give one strong whistle before everything faded black.

Her eyelids began to lightly flutter, and between partially open lids, everything looked bright and white. She thought it must be heaven. She heard a man’s voice say, “Sarah?”. Briefly opening her eyes a little wider, she barely made out the blurred image of a man’s face with the deepest blue eyes she’d ever seen. She said, “My prince” and then gave in to sleep.

A few days later, as Sarah was sitting up in her hospital bed, a man wearing a blue plaid flannel jacket and jeans, looking as if they’d been made for him, came knocking on her door. He wore a friendly smile on his face and sat a vase of tulips down on her bedside tray. She looked up at him and before she could ask who he was, she peered into his eyes. She remembered those eyes. She knew she’d looked into them once before, but didn’t know who he was.

He told her his name was Tim, then explained what had happened. He lived in the clearing beyond her woods.  He heard barking that terrible day and looked out his window. He saw the small dog first, then Sarah lying on the snow. Further back, he could make out the shape of a man. Taking his gun outside to find out what was going on, he saw the man raise up his gun to fire, but Tim had fired first.

She remembered nothing other than the man, the pain, birds and running. She didn’t need to know anything more than Tim told her. She knew she had found her prince and now she knew the man who had told her she’d never belong to another, would never bother her again.

What I’d Do

* I’ve been in the mood for poetry lately…so here’s another poem…

I’d scream if I felt
It might help
Instead I deny
Keep things
From myself
Bury feelings
Bury words
Each day
Becoming less
My true self
I want to be angry
I want to be sad
I want to be happy
To genuinely smile
Instead I feel less
Trying to not fully die
Evaporate inside
Till nothing is left
This is not what I wish
Not what I want to do
I want more
So much more from each day
I want to cry rivers
Till the heartache
Pours through
I want to smash walls
Till all the rage
Simmers away
I want joy to blossom
To live more than exist
Turn the key in the lock
Undo these emotions
All bottled up
This is what I’d do
If my heart
To itself
Would only be so true

Cloudy Skies

Cloudy Skies

Snowy Day Ramblings

Snowy Bench

Snowy Bench

I just finished sipping a cup of homemade hot chocolate. It’s the perfect thing to do on a frosty day like today. Way more snow fell yesterday in our little part of North Carolina than we’ve seen in many years.  It never lasts long, so I just content myself to staying cozily indoors till the roads are safe. Of course since over 3 snowflakes fell, pretty much everything is closed anyway. The only venturing out I do is to take the occasional picture and to feed the outside critters(the resident goat, guinea, and couple of chickens).

It’s been one of those slow kind of days I enjoy. It started with making some delicious wholesome homemade banana muffins, full of good stuff like flaxseed and fresh ground whole wheat flour. I did some essentials, like cleaning up a bit, then it’s been computer time for me. My internet works at the archaic speed of the dial-up age, but I’ve still managed to mostly catch up reading blog posts and emails for now.

I’m still writing, just been quiet. Mainly writing in my journal, bits of non-fiction, and a few poems as the mood strikes. I’ve been reading plenty too, including I just got my hands on The Wolf Gift by Anne Rice, which I’ve been wanting to read for some time now. I’m not far into it yet, but it looks good and though I’m not a big horror fan, I do enjoy werewolf and vampire stories. I’ll have to share about some of the ebooks I’ve read in another post some time.

Besides going to become a grandmother within a couple of months, the thing I’m most excited about is I might actually get to go to my first ever writers conference. It’s the Book ‘Em North Carolina Writers Conference and Book Fair in Lumberton. It happens to be in the same town my husband’s side of the family usually has family reunions in and best of all the price is right within my budget as the admission is free. Several of the talks look interesting.

On a totally other note, if you’ve ever felt life is not going as you planned(ok…I must really be a dreamer if I think it’s supposed to…huh?) or you’re getting older and feel suddenly you don’t know what you want to do when you grow up, then I ran across a couple of interesting blog posts this morning. Both of them are on the same site, but gave me something to think about. Read the comments too, there were some interesting ones. The posts are If You Could Do Anything for a Living, What Would You Do? and The Problem with Plans : What I Learned from Getting Laid Off.

Best wishes in your life and writing endeavors. Here’s one of the many poems I’ve been writing lately…

Heartsong

Somethings are just known
Without any doubt
Felt down deep
Make life worth living
Make life complete
Slip into place
Perfect poetry
Sung between hearts
Grounding my soul
Giving me peace
A return to dreams
An awakening hope

New Year Thoughts

It’s a new year, a fresh start, so I’m not going to condemn it right off the bat by hoping the year 2014 is better. I’m not being a pessimist, just a realist. I’m not going to make a bunch of unrealistic expectations and set myself up for failure either. I’m planning on taking a live in the moment approach and make the most of each day.

I’ve decided I do better and am decidedly more happy if I don’t look at the bigger picture. It’s too overwhelming. There is freedom in acceptance…surrendering to life as it is, has to be for the time, and taking each day as it comes. At the very least it feels as if I’m starting 2014 with more peace.

If you’re new to this blog and parts of that sounded cryptic…it’s not, it’s just my life is complicated (who’s isn’t I guess). Among many other things, I’m a full time caregiver for my spouse, other than working outside the home a day or two every week. I’m getting ready to be a grandmother as well. My daughter is expecting her first in early April.

This past month has been quiet here as I’ve been doing a bit of self nurturing(immersing myself in reading books and doing yoga) as well as busily crocheting to finish gifts. Needless to say, I didn’t manage to keep up with The Book of Me prompts. I think the best thing I can do is leave the past the past and move on forward. I’m getting off to a good start writing. I wrote a last journal entry for the year last night a little before midnight and wrote a poem today…

Surrender

A hot cup of tea
Move into tree pose
Ease into the day
Accept what will
What can be
Find the bliss
Subtle in each day
Fragrance of a life
Lived day by day
Forget the things
Not able to change
Breathe deep
Surrender
Calmness remain
Accept what is
Accept who I am
In each moment
Fully to dwell
Strong to stand

Hope your new year is off to a good start and wish you the best in your writing journey… 🙂

No Excuses and a Poem…

My blog has been a bit quiet I know. I’ve been in one of those melancholy moods where I can’t quite get myself motivated. The caregiving life has hit another bump and I don’t know if it’s one of those bumps we’ll bounce back out of, or if this is where we are, another holding station in this still life of caregiving.

Still life, frozen in time, unmoving, monotonous, forever…all describe how I feel about life in its current state.

I’ll get it back together. I always seem to. In the meantime, I’m giving myself permission to be. I’m tired of being strong, putting on a happy face, and moving both feet forward(which some days feels like walking through molasses in muck boots). I’m tired of saying, “I’m fine and I know how to make brownies.” Chocolate’s good, but unfortunately it doesn’t ease all pain as much as I’d like it to.

I don’t think this is wallowing in self pity(AKA–pity party) or giving up. I think it’s allowing myself to grieve for a very changed life, something I don’t allow myself to do enough I think. I’m still writing, but it’s tending to be in my journal and poems. I was working on some submissions, but disappointed myself and didn’t finish them. I’m in a curl up with a good book and read to escape my woes place.

Hopefully back to a more active blog soon…here’s a poem I wrote for now though…

Release Me

It doesn’t do to be empathic
Feeling other people’s pain
Unable to heal it or let it go
Endlessly the ache remains
Yet should my heart harden
It would fare far worse
Not to feel is no blessing
An apathetic heart is a curse
Pouring rain down in my soul
Beg you give a bit of mercy
Sorrow extracts a heavy toll
From it, please release me

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The Book of Me – Prompt 9 : Halloween

(* This is from last week’s The Book of Me prompt. Trying to play catch up and get to blogging about other things soon. I’ve been adjusting and life’s just been busy the past few weeks…our daughter came back home for a bit and one of my husband’s daughters moved in to help with him.*)

The prompt for week 9 : Halloween
Have you ever participated in a Halloween event?
When was it?
Where was it?
What did you dress as?
Trick or treat?

Once my mama took my sister and I to a Halloween event at the movie theater. I don’t remember what the movie was, she often liked horror movies, but I didn’t usually watch scary movies anyway. During the very scary parts I’d cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes. At the movie theater there was a coffin filled with prizes that we dug through with our hands. I don’t remember what I was dressed as, but we did dress up. We got candy too. We’d each get a bag and share, so we could have different types.

My sister and I always dressed up for Halloween, but for some reason I can’t remember any of our costumes at all. I do remember one of mama’s costumes. She always enjoyed Halloween and one year dressed up as a witch, complete with green face and black hat, before we woke up. She scared us really good.

Some years we’d go to the Halloween Fair at the school. It was fun and there were plenty of games to play. The only bad thing was my taste in candy. It seemed every year for several years in a row, I would lose a tooth to a Sugar Daddy or Sugar Babies, those very sweet sticky molasses type candies. Thankfully the teeth I lost were ones heading that way already, none of my permanent teeth.

Besides those types of Halloween fun, My sister and I were not allowed to go trick-or-treating. Our mother worked on the police force for a while and had seen too many dangerous things like people putting razor blades in apples and drugs in candy, so she considered it unsafe for us. I don’t remember really feeling as if I missed out by not going trick-or-treating. I just remember fun as a family.

The Book of Me – Prompt 7 : Grandparents

The prompt for week 7 : Grandparents
What were their names?
Where were they from?
Were they related? – Cousins perhaps
Where were they born, another Country or state/area
Photos
What did they do?
Did you know them?
What was your relationship with them?
If you didn’t know them have you researched about them?

(*If you’re new here…you can find out more about The Book of Me prompts here.)

(*This turned out way longer than I thought and it wasn’t as hard as I thought. Just did a little digging in my baby book, which my mother did a good job of filling out.)

(*Out of respect I’ve always called my grandparents…grandma or grandpa followed by their last name. I thought for privacy sake it might be better to just use first names here.)

I’ve never been real close to my grandparents on either side of our family. The main barrier I think has been distance. They lived in Virginia and we moved to North Carolina after our parents divorced. I was going into third grade and my sister was going into kindergarten. Even though we didn’t see our grandparents as much as we would’ve like, we saw them way more than our father, who was in the air force.

My paternal Grandpa Linwood was born in Thaxton, Virgina. I don’t know where my grandmothers on my father’s side were born though. Grandpa married my first grandma, Grandma Betty Jean and I don’t know how long they were together. I was never close to my first grandma and can only remember getting to meet her once as a child. I still remember she had dark hair that fell a little past her shoulders and she was wearing a bright red turtleneck I’ve been told she was an alcoholic, so I guess that’s why there were never close family ties with her.

My Grandpa Linwood remarried with my second grandma, Grandma Jane. She and Grandpa were the two grandparents my sister and I spent the most time with as children. We would always stay with them for several weeks during the summers. Sometimes we’d get to see Grandma Rachel while we were there too. I remember my grandparents ran a thrift store for a time and I’d get to ride around with grandma to yard sales as she scouted out things to buy to resale in the store. I remember it was in a big brick building with glass windows.

Summers were fun! Two of our cousins were being raised by our grandparents, so there was always someone to play with and we’d make up games. I remember Grandpa’s garden and Grandma’s blackberry cobbler best, she would always drizzle a little milk around the cobbler in the bowl. Grandpa had lost one of his legs many years prior in a railroad accident, but still did pretty much anything he wanted to do. Two not so good things I remember about Grandma were her dry cornbread and getting a switching if you were bad, which only took once for me.

Both of my paternal grandparents are deceased now. Grandpa Linwood died at home from lung cancer when I was 17 years old. I went and stayed with my Grandma for a little while to help take care of him. I had been really close to my Grandpa, he was like a father to me. My Grandma Jane died many years later. I loved her, but we’d never been as close as I had been to Grandpa. He was like a father to me.

My maternal grandparents lived in Virginia as well, for as long as I can remember. Grandma Rachel was born in Tennessee and Grandpa Earl was born in Florida. I never met my Grandpa Earl. He was an alcoholic and died before I was born. He was an abusive man as well from stories I’ve heard. In a way, it doesn’t make me regret that I never got to meet him or have a miss for him.

Grandma Rachel remarried a nice man, my Grandpa Robbie. My sister and I didn’t get to spend as much time with them as our other grandparents, but I have memories of going to the beach…Nag’s Head and the Wright Brother’s memorials…sand crabs, seagulls, body surfing, and sand dunes. Grandma Rachel and Grandpa Robbie both loved to go scuba diving. Grandpa Robbie died in a scuba diving accident, which stories I’ve heard say was a questionable death.

I don’t remember when Grandpa Robbie died, but it must have been when we were young. I remember Grandma Rachel would come to visit us by herself in North Carolina sometimes, but we always referred to the visits as “grandma visits” and it wasn’t as a term of endearment. It stung a little, because we didn’t understand why she’d drive two and a half hours to see us for about an hour and then head back to Virginia. We always wished she’d stay longer, but we were still glad she came.

She never remarried again, but met another man. He was a great love in her life until he died from cancer. Everyone in the family considered him family and included him in holidays without hesitation. He enjoyed woodworking and made many frames for Grandma’s photographs she liked to take. They never lived together, but they spent a lot of time together. Often he would come over, Grandma would fix him lunch or sometimes they would go out to eat. His cancer came as a surprise and took him away too quickly.

I was never really close to my Grandma Rachel as a child, but as an adult, she is the Grandma I am closest to and I’ve had opportunities to get to know better. She is the only living grandparent I have left as well. I love my Grandma Rachel and am glad my daughter has had a chance to get to know her Great Grandma Rachel. She is a vibrant grandmother full of the spice of life. She loves photography, making crafts, and going places. She’s in her 80’s and keeps going. She even still cuts her grass. My mother recently visited her. It was nice when I called and found out they were both busy making beaded jewelry. I can only hope to be as active when I’m in my 80’s.

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