Hello Again…

I’ve been resisting writing, just a few stray sentences escaping on rare occasions, suppressing every urge as it crept up. Writing hurts, because it makes me confront truths. Truths I’d rather avoid or just keep moving past, moving so fast, the memories only faintly remain. I don’t think escapism is the right route though and truly it only lasts for so long before I cave. I’ll write and stay writing.

My words are finally beginning to creep out of me. Just in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been beginning to write again, after almost nothing for two months. Not because I have to, but because I want to, I’m going to do the over share thing and get personal a minute. If you’ve visited this blog before, you know I do personal, so here it goes…(not everything, just a bit, sooo…you can breathe and hopefully read on…)

It’s taken me a bit longer to catch my breath than usual as my already overloaded life took a plunge(A.K.A.-nosedive, plummet, dropped off the deep end, etc.) and has been changed dramatically. March brought way more than spring. It brought bittersweet. My husband died March 10th, coming after a long decline in his health. We were back on hospice briefly before it happened. It came quickly and at home, where we wanted. I’d been with him for about 24 years, so I no longer quite know my place in life.

The sweet, came ten days later, our daughter gave birth to a beautiful little boy, her firstborn and my first grandchild. My daughter had the same midwife I had when I had her, but I was able to be the one to catch him. He was welcomed into grandma’s loving hands, then handed to his mother, my daughter. He was born in our home, a planned home birth, welcomed with love and adored by both his parents.

So it is, that within our home, where we’ve lived since our daughter was three years old, the full circle of life took place in only a few brief weeks. It’s sad his grandfather never got to hold him. He loved babies and especially would’ve loved him. The timing came as I guess it was meant to, as every treasured moment I was able to hold my grandson, helped to ease my sorrow. Life goes on, and there is no more reassurance of that, than the birth of a child and the flowery emergence of spring.

I’m back to writing and I’ll see where it goes. Hopefully I’ll keep blogging too and more posts will follow. I don’t claim to know anything right now and it will take time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, realize it will really take time, and figure things out. I’ve got to get rid of the “shoulds”, there are too many of those I keep trying to hold onto, and just learn how to live in this new life I find myself in.

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Time Fading Away

*This is something I wrote based on a word prompt on Inspiration Monday over at the Be Kind Rewrite blog. *

English: Fading light at Glanvilles Wootton A ...

English: Fading light at Glanvilles Wootton A watery gateway on the footpath from Harbins farm to Pulham catches the last of the evening light coming through the trees. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bodies age, weaken, and are degraded by multiple diseases. Merely part of the natural life process, everyone says. This is where we are and why he sleeps so much more. This is why life is so still and there is so much loneliness. There is no return to the past and no future, only the present.  The present brings no gifts, only further decline and fading.

Death feels ominously near, but may not come for years and this unmoving world will continue to seem endless. Wishing not to hasten death, but wishing for more certainty or just the ability to understand.  Wishing people did not persist in asking the simple question, “Are you okay?”. It’s not such a simple question. It feels as if they want a false answer, one I am not able to give. The truth, “No, I’m not okay.” I want to ask, “How could I be?”. It’s often easier for a lie to slip past my lips and say, “I’m fine”.

Sadness from not knowing seeps in and takes over. Tears constantly feel near flowing, but never come. Things needing done are in abundant supply and calling out. Yet I sit here and think, but not really truly think. Present, but not really. Attempting to turn to endless distractions in an effort for a less painful facade. Daylight is fading, seems the morning was not long ago.

The time thief has crept in and stolen the day. This one as the one before. This has gone on for far too long. I must awaken, before my life winds down. I must remember how to live life before the time thief vanishes away with my days. There exists so many uncertainties in life, but some things are certain, the number of our days is not known and we must live life before it fades away.