I’ve been resisting writing, just a few stray sentences escaping on rare occasions, suppressing every urge as it crept up. Writing hurts, because it makes me confront truths. Truths I’d rather avoid or just keep moving past, moving so fast, the memories only faintly remain. I don’t think escapism is the right route though and truly it only lasts for so long before I cave. I’ll write and stay writing.
My words are finally beginning to creep out of me. Just in the past couple of weeks, I’ve been beginning to write again, after almost nothing for two months. Not because I have to, but because I want to, I’m going to do the over share thing and get personal a minute. If you’ve visited this blog before, you know I do personal, so here it goes…(not everything, just a bit, sooo…you can breathe and hopefully read on…)
It’s taken me a bit longer to catch my breath than usual as my already overloaded life took a plunge(A.K.A.-nosedive, plummet, dropped off the deep end, etc.) and has been changed dramatically. March brought way more than spring. It brought bittersweet. My husband died March 10th, coming after a long decline in his health. We were back on hospice briefly before it happened. It came quickly and at home, where we wanted. I’d been with him for about 24 years, so I no longer quite know my place in life.
The sweet, came ten days later, our daughter gave birth to a beautiful little boy, her firstborn and my first grandchild. My daughter had the same midwife I had when I had her, but I was able to be the one to catch him. He was welcomed into grandma’s loving hands, then handed to his mother, my daughter. He was born in our home, a planned home birth, welcomed with love and adored by both his parents.
So it is, that within our home, where we’ve lived since our daughter was three years old, the full circle of life took place in only a few brief weeks. It’s sad his grandfather never got to hold him. He loved babies and especially would’ve loved him. The timing came as I guess it was meant to, as every treasured moment I was able to hold my grandson, helped to ease my sorrow. Life goes on, and there is no more reassurance of that, than the birth of a child and the flowery emergence of spring.
I’m back to writing and I’ll see where it goes. Hopefully I’ll keep blogging too and more posts will follow. I don’t claim to know anything right now and it will take time. I’m trying to be gentle with myself, realize it will really take time, and figure things out. I’ve got to get rid of the “shoulds”, there are too many of those I keep trying to hold onto, and just learn how to live in this new life I find myself in.